I have never been a fan of Christmas. This probably stems from the fact that I was raised Jewish. The obnoxious music doesn't help matters. My wife, however, loves Christmas. She has fond memories of spending time with her family, getting presents and doing whatever else people do for the holiday. This year she is bummed because her family isn't having a big celebration, so I planed to surprise her with a Christmas tree.

I arrived at Home Depot alone, which was my first mistake. I obviously didn't think my plan through very carefully. When I got there, only two trees were left on the rack outside. As I was checking them out, a couple drove by and pointed at them. Thinking I needed to act fast, I ran in and told someone I wanted to buy one. They told me to wait outside and someone would be there soon.

I went back out, staked my claim on the larger of the two trees and tried to keep myself warm. Twenty minutes later my extremities were numb, but no sales associates had arrived, so I went back in and asked again. They directed me to the other outside - the garden section.  There were hundreds of trees out there - doh! I chose a nice fat one and waited while the guy wrapped it in mesh. I was hoping someone would help me carry it out, but no such luck.

That thing was heavy! At first I tried to grab it on both sides to avoid getting my jacket dirty, but I could only carry it a few feet before I had to put it down. I gave up that method, bear hugged it and headed to my car. Now you have to imagine me waddling like a duck and bumping into things.

Finally I made it to my car. I looked at the roof and back to the tree and wondered how the hell I would get one onto the other.  I brought a sheet to keep my nice new car from getting scratched. I thought that a fitted sheet would work best, because the elastic ends could go over the top and bottom of the tree to keep it on, but I miscalculated the size of the tree. It was way bigger than the sheet. The elastic made the sheet even smaller by bunching up every time I tried to wrap it around the tree. After a few unsuccessful attempts to get the sheet around the tree, I held it in place with one had and lifted the tree with the other. I got it up near the top of the car, but couldn't make it all the way.

At this point I started looking around the parking lot for someone to help me. If it was warmer outside or earlier in the day, there may have been some day-laborers around, but not tonight. A few unsuccessful attempts later I realized I needed a new plan. This time I tried putting the sheet on top of the car and lifting the tree up onto it. I tried, but couldn't lift the tree up over the exposed portions of my car's beautiful paint.

Finally I draped the sheet halfway over the roof and left part of it hanging over the side of the car. I lifted the tree up, put it against the sheet and slid both onto the roof. I had enough foresight to bring a rope, with I used to secure it to the roof by wrapping it through the open car windows and took a chilly ride home. Next year there won't be a surprise. If she wants a stupid tree, she's coming with me to buy it!